YOU COULD BE A REDNECK

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you sometimes try to arrange M&M's in alphabetical order

you thought Boyz II Men was a service

there are no dental records in your family

you trip over cordless 'phones

you were eating the 'possum while your cousins watched for traffic

you once asked a date to meet you at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK

you write TAURUS on forms that say Sign Here

you thought Taco Bell was a 'phone company

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you took an IQ test and the results were negative

your bumper sticker says 'Honk if you want to see my finger!'

you think hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now

you think a quarterback is some kind of refund

you think reality is a crutch for people who cannot afford drugs

you ask for a price check at the dollar store

you sometimes stop to think, and forget to start again

you think Eartha Kitt is a set of garden tools

consciousness interferes with your naps

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

going to the bathroom at night involves a flashlight and boots.

you have to go outside to get a beer from the 'fridge.

the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

you think '8 to 10 lbs' on the side of a diaper box indicates how much it will hold.

last year you hid the Easter eggs under cow pies.

you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

you think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

your list of "Most Admired People" includes Jack Daniel's.

you think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

your little sister won the distance peeing contest.

your mother talks back to the characters in the movies.

you like to help your wife by vacuuming the bed.

you frequently relieve yourself from a moving vehicle.

you have ever been arrested for relieving yourself from a moving vehicle while driving.

every tie you possess has gravy stains on it.

you think the bride should have an attendant for each of her kids.

your cousin Beth has dandruff on her shoes.

the Santa on your front lawn has bullet holes.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

your cousin's last words were, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

you've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

your wife's hairdo once broke a ceiling fan.

your Senior Prom had a Daycare Center.

you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Start your engines!"

you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

the bluebook value of your truck varies, depending on how much gas is in it.

your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

you only need one more hole punched in your card for a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

you can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

you dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

there are page numbers on your toilet paper.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you use your deer stand for lawn furniture.

there are more trucks in your driveway on blocks than on wheels.

there is more than one refrigerator on your porch.

you take a six-pack cooler to church.

you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

you can keep yourself amused all afternoon with a fly swatter.

your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

the license plate from your first car is still hanging in the living room.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you went to your family reunion looking for a date.

every truck you've ever owned is in the back yard.

your truck uses as much oil as it does gas.

you have ever eaten out of the bait bucket.

you pluck nose hairs with your car pliers.

you think the two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.

your only form of ID is a hunting license.

'taking the trash out' means taking your parents to the shopping mall.

your wife wants you to move the transmission case off the dining table for Thanksgiving.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you've ever relieved yourself in an ice machine

you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

you and your dog both use the same tree.

your backyard barbeque dress includes cowboy boots and Bermuda shorts.

your '57 Buick has more plastic filler than metal.

your grandmother was asked to watch her language at the Piggly-Wiggly store.

your house doesn't have curtains.

your truck does have curtains.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you have ever given your parole officer's name for a job reference.

at least one of your grandchildren was conceived in a car wash.

truckers take offense at your wife's language.

your Uncle Bob is also your brother-in-law.

there's a garbage bag in place of the passenger window.

directions to your house include 'turn left off paved road'.

your mother frequently tells State Troopers to kiss her ass.

you got a hickey and a black eye on your last date.

you claim the honors when the dog farts.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you went to your sister's wedding so you could kiss the bride.

at the wedding, your wife wouldn't lend you her chewing tobacco.

the highlight of the wedding was your sister's nude table dance.

you hid your younger brother for Good Deed of the Month.

another customer asks you to check his oil while you're pumping gas.

your dad personalized your license plate by making it himself.

your age is higher than your IQ or SAT score.

your mother keeps a spitoon on the ironing board.

you get horny when you hear sheep.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you think you should have learned about subdivision in high school, but missed it.

you lost at least one tooth while trying to open a beer bottle.

nobody noticed your dog whelping behind the living room couch.

your younger brother is lookout for the family business.

a shirt is not required dress at your place of work.

you normally take your dog to work.

crossfire interrupted your family reunion.

there's only one fork in your family tree.

the screen is missing from your screen door.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you pick your nose while talking to the bank teller.

your idea of quality entertainment includes beer and a bug zapper.

there's a handkerchief where the gas cap should be.

most of the photos in your high school annual are also in the police log.

your most prized possession is your lawn mower.

your mother can remove her bra while driving.

the animal shelter doesn't have as many puppies as you do.

your car's muffler is tied on with a coat hanger.

your mailbox is mounted on a muffler and tailpipe.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

your trunk is permanently tied down with a bungee cord.

you keep jumper cables on the passenger seat.

fifth grade was your senior year.

your living room furniture is now on the front lawn.

you prop your Harley against the furniture in your front lawn.

you frequently tell the kids to go jiggle the handle some more.

you frequently tell the kids not to play with the sheet metal.

tourists stop by because they think you're having a yard sale.

your idea of fishing gear includes some wire and a generator.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

you own half of your pickup truck.

you're not sure which cousin owns the other half.

you found bacon in your beard last time you trimmed it.

you can recognize your school bus by the tobacco stains down the side.

your Uncle Jed made collar studs out of his gallstones.

you usually make toast with a welding torch.

your toothbrush has been in the family for at least three generations.

you're not really sure what 'Toilet Water' is.

your wife uses your hunting knife to shave her legs.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

carburettor parts from your Harley are on the kitchen table.

you ever asked a date whether it was her feet or yours that were stinking.

your wife just made really good chili, but you can't find your bait.

you're wife wore curlers at the Wedding service so she would look nice at the reception.

turning your bedroom lights on or off requires string.

four of your kids are complaining the fifth one has wet the bed.

the books in your bedroom are resting on cement blocks and sheetrock.

your sister had a shower a week or two before her wedding.

you usually clean your ears out with your car keys.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

your bed leans because the leg is broken.

your bed leans because the brick you used for the leg is too big.

you had to borrow the brick from under the bed to change a tire on the truck.

you like to keep visitors out on the porch where there aren't so many flies.

the necklace you gave your wife turns her neck green.

Uncle Jed removes nose hair with a cigarette lighter.

you believe transmission fluid is cheaper than hair gel, and just as good.

you sometimes floss your teeth with the fishing line if the fish aren't biting.

your wife found her earrings in your fishing tackle.

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

your wife finishes her hairdo with a spray of 'Raid'.

the burn marks in your living room carpet are covered with old newspapers.

you never managed to stop the cat from using the newspapers in the living room.

you're not sure how many dogs live under the porch.

you stare at the orange juice because it says 'Concentrate'.

you refer to the computer mouse as 'The Critter'

your computer keyboard is camouflaged

there is Skoal in the CD-ROM drive

your logon password for Windows is 'Bubba'

You Might Be a Redneck if . . . . . . . . .

your computer monitor is up on blocks

your computer screen has chewing tobacco stains on it

the extra RAM slots of your computer have Dodge parts in them

your trailer hitch doubles as your door knocker

you used to have a handle on life, but it broke

you're looking for a meaningfull overnight relationship

you think that beer is not just for breakfast anymore

you believe beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

you think the IRS has got what it takes to take what you've got